Monday, February 19, 2007

lost one..

it's been tough for me but in a way i could accept this..arsenal goalless draw last week, real madrid goalles draw last week, and dave-b sent off drama last week!! gosh this is really2 hard to digest, and of course i've been receiving bad news about ppl i used to know and it's driving me INSANE! i've been saying that my past is no longer a part of me anymore, i don't know which one of what is part of me. i guess the truth is i'm still finding a way to heal myself *God this is so daamn hard* well at least i'm enjoying myself lately, i've bought Qiu Xialong 3rd book *when red is black* and i think it's going to be great. just when i was going to pay the books that i had in my hand i saw this newest Qiu Xialong's inspector chen latest book and i feel devastated my heart crushed *exagerrating!* i pulled my sister and cried my heart out because the book was the hard cover one and the price was expensive twice than the usual one coz it's bigger and cooler.

i just hope next time they'll have the normal size and the cheaper one he-he. and i just finnaly open the Qiu's book gosh it felt good to unwrap, most of the time i find it amusing just to sit down read a book listening to ipod while my mom sit beside me watching tv. me and my mom are closer than ever she rely on me and i lean on her. we're inseparable, mebbe it's because i'm much wiser and i know what to do/say and what not to do/say. my mom knows me better, i like it when she shares her experience and when she gives me advice. no one knows YOU better than your MOM! that's why i trust her opinion everytime i need someone to talk to *beside my sist*, after what i've learned and achieved i think it's impossible to have finaly reached a better place with a better mind without her love and support. mebbe people who likes to mock me will never believe how much i've changed, for me it's about *do you really want to or this is just another show?* it's useless when you want to change for other ppl coz those shits will never last. i'm not saying i'm better than everyone else but at least i'm not saying bad things behind other ppl and pulling off masquarade around town ha-ha.

i'm happy and in a way better lifestyle not because i said so but mainly because i want to. Thank God for bumps in the road i've been in five years, without God's tireless guidance and my family's love and support i'd definitely have chosen the wrong path to end the drama. i can't wait till 2moro, someone i really2 care is coming to town *can't wait..miss you dearly!*it's good to know that i'm breathing the same air with all the people who love and care for who iam not how i look. i hope i can stay with this healthy lifestyle i'm currently living in. i don't have to think about doubts anymore all i have to think is the balance in my life. without losing something/someone i'd never feel the desire to want something/someone. shout out to my sist who knows how to make me smile and she def knows how to make me pull my face! *duh* thank you for sticking with me even after the aftermath. and saying good things even when i'm not myself and esp when doubts inside my head banging the door to my veins.God has given me such a beautiful sist with amazingly stoneheaded on the other side.
signing off,
i chose to let this go and end this now, i have to stop thinking about trying to explain and pretending nothing ever happened. i wanted to start all over coz i thought it'd be better when lights had finally come our way unfortch not a single word could make it work. i fear that you'd go and leave me all alone thus you've gone so far away long a go before i realize and you've gone further with this trigger in my hand i need to pull. it's painful as if i had just been stabbed, therefore i better go and heal myself before i realize that i'm only making fool of myself. the desire had slipped away and the hatred seem far away mebbe emptiness is all i have inside. it's way too late for redemption coz the door had finally shut itself the moment i shut myself from hipocracy. it's never meant to be...emotionless, brainless, too much in our way it's difficult when one has too many branches without me in any of them.

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