Monday, October 01, 2007

(opening up)

i'm very much confused with people out there. they seem eager to jump into uncertain commitments that i as a person would think 1000x. i keep on telling myself that it's their views not mine and of course i'm not the same as them. mebbe it's because i've gone through lot more worst than what others might even have gone through in their lives. sometimes i think i'm paranoid, but if it's the best for me, why bother? being commited into your life, work, and family is very much hard to deal.

i'm still young and i never think too much about commitments, it's just that i'm holding back too much. i don't want to be the one ended up crying and regretting. if i'm going for a future together with someone, i'd love to have full preparation. i don't want one of us to regret our decision, mebbe i've been living in a big city too long so my mind-set is very much different from others. it's very2 complicated as it may seem, a commitment that sounds very hard to explain.

i'm in a process of growing up therefore i believe that throwing my young age for something useless is definitely not an option. i won't rule out getting married at young age long as me and him both are ready to be fully commited, and we have the blessings from both families. coz i won't turn my back from my family and i hope he's wise enuff not to turn his back too.

i've seen too many divorces, break-ups, and letdowns, i guess that's why i'm holding back too far. i'm focusing on my own life with my family and loved ones right now, i want to spend my time making them happy. it's not easy to search for the perfect one but i do believe if i'm a good person then i deserve a bright future with someone who's destined to be with me for eternity.

i understand why my sist's always advise me not to rush things, let it flow and be patient. i wish i could say the same thing to my colleagues, but it's not easy when you're blinded with your own feelings. i have a friend who's quite close to me, i'm very emotional and she on the other hand is very calm. we've known each other for quite some time now, but she went abroad and we're separated miles away. i do care about her, it's just that she never listens to me mebbe because i tell her the real deal and she can't accept that reality (does) bite. we've had our problems, somehow we managed to solve it by sweeping it deeply till i'm tired to keep it under rug swept. it's very much dysfunctional isn't?

i've never called her in 3 months, and we only chat online..i've missed out so much about her. mebbe it's the commitments we both made in our respective lives, we have to sacrifice our friendship. too many letdowns between us, she made her speech to me about her side of story. i stopped and listen, it's hard for me to digest i didn't expect for her to go through such pain. she wanted me to meet her, but i wasn't ready. till now i think i'm basically not ready for our reunion after years apart. i don't know why mebbe i'm waiting for the right moment just to look ate her and spill out every bean in my life.

Signing off,


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